I DECLARE THAT I DO NOT NEED A TV LICENCE BECAUSE:-

Oh, um, tricky one this. Ah, yes, I remember now...

Because of my anti-social tendencies to gross negligence in the
television purchasing department.  But while you're asking, I'd like a
licence for my pet fish, 'Eric'.*


*For the record, I also have no requirements for Pilots Licences, Deer
Hunting Licences, or indeed for any of the many other varieties of
permits, certificates and dispensations, the bureaucratic
administrators of which, I note, are conspicuous by their persistent
failure considerately to remind me to inform them of my lack of need
for their services, quite unlike your good selves, who appear to miss
no opportunity to sanction the needless destruction of another forest
or six.  Keep up the good work, and don't spend too long reading this;
I'd be loathe to see TV Licence Revenue being wasted on unnecessary
paperwork, wouldn't you?

----

[As actually sent to the TVLA some time in 2000 after they stuffed yet
another threat to send the TV detector van round through my letterbox]